Studies Show Vipers aren't Actually Venomous, People just Die from Comorbidities

A fascinating new discovery reveals that vipers are not actually venomous, though they still kill 9/10 people they bite. The reason for death though, is usually because of other known or unknown ailments. For example, varicella zoster virus (chicken pox) doesn't go away, but remains dormant in our bodies; sometimes recurring later in life (called herpes zoster aka shingles). This being present when bitten by a viper is more likely the cause of death than the snake bite. Other ailments present in the body such as the flu, a cold, a hang nail, or having recently shaved the pubic region (causing micro openings in skin) could be the main cause of death. This discovery has caused us to ask, should we be concerned if bitten by a viper?

Magician Turns Himself into Police, is Now Cop

WASHINGTON—Tuesday morning the police department was met by a man, Richard Thompson, demanding to turn himself into the police. He entered police headquarters at 9:20 AM wearing a white dress shirt, black slacks, and a top hat; and started causing a scene. After a crowd gathered, he raised up a circular curtain over his body, completely hiding himself for 5 seconds, then dropped the curtain revealing he was now a police officer in full uniform. After the stunt, he confessed that he had secretly completed the training required to be a cop, had tailored a custom uniform for himself, and used his prior knowledge of magic to pull it off. He could not be charged with impersonating an officer (a felony), because he had become one in front of everyone, leaving no doubt of his legitimacy.

BREAKING—People Taking Only a Reasonable Amount of Supplies Instead of Everything, in Preparation of Hurricane

SHOCKING—Many are in disbelief for a very unique reason, as hurricane Jebadiah approaches (predicted to make landfall Thursday morning at 4 AM). All the locals are frantically rushing to the grocery store and gas stations to get supplies and prepare. What has everyone in disbelief, is how people are only taking an appropriate amount of canned food, toiletries, flashlights, and batteries; leaving the shelves moderately stocked for the next shoppers. Hurricane preppers have been seen at the gas stations filling up one, maybe two gas cans, which is a logical amount to anticipate needing, given past hurricane damage.

This Family Celebrates Child’s Birthday Once a Month So He Grows Up & Moves Out Faster

A new take on raising a family - Mr and Mrs Winklemeyer have 4 children, the youngest of whom is 5. They became happily married in the summer of 2002, and had three kids, like many happy American couples do. They put their kids in sports and sought to raise their kids with a healthy, effective parenting style. Then the unexpected happened, Mrs Winklemeyer became pregnant again with her youngest son, Tyler. This was a major surprise to them and admittedly, not a pleasant one. Their finances provided for 3 kids, and no more. They began to prepare and by the time Tyler was born, they had developed a plan. They would use their savings (originally for retirement) to feed and nurture the new born, but with the intention of it not lasting 18 years. The legal required age for parents to stop caring for their children is 18. They decided to celebrate Tyler's birthday at an accelerated rate, so that he would believe he was 18 years old, when he wasn't; effectively relieving them of their parental duties many years in advance.

Golfer Drives into Oncoming Traffic, Putting a Hole in One Windshield

BREAKING—After an amateur golfing tournament, Bryan Ruthman (an aspiring professional golfer), began driving down the wrong side of the interstate. He was apparently intoxicated from the post tournament celebration and hopped up onto an overpass and began driving, full speed. At first, his balls seemed to be landing on the correct side of the interstate flow of traffic, but after a few swings, they began to curve into oncoming traffic. Curving the ball is a common mistake for amateurs; not knowing the proper form and technique is the cause of this issue.

Planned Parenthood Hires Mascot Sign Holder to Get More Business

A new take on sexual education and care—Planned Parenthood is a well known, non-profit organization seeking to increase their reach. Recently, they've been testing out many ideas on how to educate and care for more people. They've designed a new mascot that they believe will invite many more people into their clinic. Planning to place it on the side of the road, they will be enticing potential customers who drive by. They're starting at one clinic, but hope to go nation-wide within the year. Every clinic will have a mascot out front holding a sign for cars that drive by.

Outrage at Local Wedding after Invited Guest Shows Up in Bridal Gown

OUTRAGE—Keith Summers and Victoria Smalls have been dating for 3 years and were finally set to be married on the 25th this month. As with most weddings, they were nervous about either spouse's relatives causing an upset. Victoria's mother wasn't happy with Keith for not wanting their distant acquaintances to attend; while Keith's mother wasn't happy with Victoria's career choice. Keith's mother believes Victoria isn't Christian enough. All these problems pale in comparison to what came next.

Cop Pulls Over Another Cop for Speeding During a High-speed Chase

A heart warming moment—On Thursday, Sarasota Police Department engaged a man in a high speed chase. The man, not identified, was following the speed limit too perfectly while in the right hand lane, so police ran his tag. His license plate's tag had recently expired, so police tried to pull him over. The driver did not comply and began driving at excessive speeds, going through red lights, driving on sidewalks, and even went 35mph through a school zone (while the light was flashing).

Astronomers Discover New Planet in Our Solar System, then Say Nevermind Like they did with Pluto

A big let down - Astronomers at the SATURN Astronomy Club Viewing Site told reporters on Wednesday evening they had officially discovered a new planet in our solar system. This is an incredible discovery, and unexpected at that, because they've believed to have fully discovered our Milky Way's planetary system for many years now. The new planet was reported to have been hiding behind Jupiter, further out of orbit and traveling at a faster speed so as to always remain out of sight from our perspective. The new planet had been named "Hera" after the Greek god, like most other planets in the solar system.

Man Arrested for Selling Steroids at Little League Game

BREAKING—Cooper Haltwell, 36, was arrested Tuesday night at a little league game in Manatee County for attempting to sell steroids to the players. He stated he knows how seriously some of the parents take it, so he only offered the steroids to kids whose parents were screaming at them to do better. One of the little league players [name redacted] has been noticeably getting swoll and even began to hit homeruns. He claims to not know Haltwell.

The most dangerous animal in the world is the Manatee.

Though manatees are vegetarians - a simple touch could end your life. In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the coastal community of Serenity Shores, local beachgoer and once-respected rubber duck collector, Mandy Plushkins, found herself in serious danger. The incident occurred on a sun-drenched afternoon when Mandy, known for her affinity for sea creatures, decided to take a dip with what she believed to be the ocean's gentlest giant – a manatee.